In my line of work, I hear from hundreds of people a month,
and connect with professionals in a more public, open way than ever before.
Through this experience, I've seen scores of toxic behaviors that push people
away (including me). And I’ve witnessed the damage these behaviors cause – to
relationships, professional success, and to the well-being of both the
individual behaving negatively, and to everyone around him or her.
Let’s be real - we’ve all acted in toxic, damaging ways at
one time or another (none of us are immune to it), but many people are more
evolved, balanced, and aware, and it happens only rarely in their lives.
Whether your toxic behavior is a common occurrence, or once
in a blue moon, it’s critical for your happiness and success that you are able
to recognize when you’re behaving badly, and shift it when it emerges.
The 6 most toxic behaviors I see every day are:
Taking everything
personally
In the powerful little book The Four Agreements, don Miguel
Ruiz talks about the importance of taking nothing personally. I teach this in
my coaching programs and my book Breakdown, Breakthrough as well, and there is
so much pushback. “Really, Kathy – don’t take anything personally?”
People are toxic to be around when they believe that
everything that happens in life is a direct assault on them or is in some way
all about them. The reality is that what people say and do to you is much more
about them, than you. People’s reactions to you are about their filters, and
their perspectives, wounds and experiences. Whether people think you’re
amazing, or believe you’re the worst, again, it’s more about them. I’m not
saying we should be narcissists and ignore all feedback. I am saying that so
much hurt, disappointment and sadness in our lives comes from our taking things
personally when it’s far more productive and healthy to let go of others’ good
or bad opinion of you, and to operate with your own heart, intuition and wisdom
as your guide. So yes – don’t take anything personally.
Obsessing about
negative thoughts
It’s very hard to be around people who can’t or won’t let go
of negativity – when they dwell on and speak incessantly about the terrible
things that could happen and have happened, the slights they’ve suffered, and
the unfairness of life. These people stubbornly refuse to see the positive side
of life and the positive lessons from what’s transpiring. Pessimism is one
thing – but remaining perpetually locked in negative thoughts is another. Only
seeing the negative, and operating from a view that everything is negative and
against you, is a skewed way of thinking and living, and you can change that.
Treating yourself
like a victim
Another toxic behavior is non-stop complaining that fuels
your sense of victimization. Believing you’re a victim, that you have no power
to exert and no influence on the direction of your life, is a toxic stance that
keeps you stuck and small. Working as a therapist with people who’ve suffered
terrible trauma in their lives but found the courage to turn it all around, I
know that we have access to far more power, authority, and influence over our
lives than we initially believe. When you stop whining, and refuse to see
yourself as a hapless victim of fate, chance or discrimination, then you’ll
find that you are more powerful than you realized, but only if you choose to
accept that reality.
Cruelty - lacking in
empathy or putting yourself in others shoes
One of the most toxic and damaging behaviors – cruelty –
stems from a total lack of empathy, concern or compassion for others. We see it
every day online and in the media – people being devastatingly cruel and
destructive to others just because they can. They tear people down online but
in a cowardly way, using their anonymity as a weapon. Cruelty, backstabbing,
and ripping someone to shreds is toxic, and it hurts you as well as your
target. I had a powerful learning experience about this a few years ago. I came
into the house one day in a nasty mood, and shared a mean, sniping comment to
my husband about the way a neighbor was parenting her child through one of his
problem phases. In less than 24 hours, that very same issue the parent was
dealing with came home to roost in my house, with my child. It was as if the
Universe sent me the message that, “Ah, if you want to be cruel and demeaning
about someone, we’ll give you the same experience you’ve judged so negatively,
so you can learn some compassion.” And I did.
If you find yourself backstabbing and tearing someone else
down, stop in your tracks. Dig deep and find compassion in your heart, and
realize that we’re all the same.
Excessive reactivity
An inability to manage your emotions is toxic to everyone
around you. We all know these people – men and women who explode over the
smallest hiccup or problem. Yelling at the bank teller for the long line,
screaming at your assistant for the power point error he made, or losing it
with your child for spilling milk on the floor. If you find that you’re overly
reactive, losing it at every turn, you need some outside assistance to help you
gain control over your emotions and understand what’s at the root of your
emotionality. There’s more to it that appears on the surface. An outside
perspective – and a new kind of support – is critical.
Needing constant
validation
Finally, people who constantly strive for validation and
self-esteem by obsessing about achieving outward measures of success, are
exhausting to be around. Those men and women who get caught up in the need to
prove their worth over and over, and constantly want to “win” over their
colleagues or peers, are toxic and draining.
Overly-attaching to how things have to look and be, and to
achieving certain milestones and accomplishments rather than going with life in
a more flexible, easy manner, can wear you out and bring everyone else around
you down . There is a bigger picture to your life, and it’s not about what you
achieve or fail at today. It’s about the journey, the process, the path - what
you’re learning and applying, how you’re helping others, and the growing
process you allow yourself to engage in.
Stop stressing over the particular outcomes like, “I need that promotion now!” or “My house has to be bigger and more beautiful than my neighbor’s.” Your desperate need to prove your success and build your self-esteem through outer measures of success is (sadly) apparent to everyone but you, and it’s pushing away the very happiness outcomes you’re longing for.